The Stripper Argumentation
by MintyThing
Summary: Sheldon Lee Cooper went to strip club for the first (and the last) time in his life. What happend there? What is making him worried? And how will Amy react? A/N: Sorry for mistakes, English is not my native language. Based on episode 07x14. Planned as two-shot. Enjoy! :)
1. Chapter 1

"_What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?"  
"Oh, how much does it cost to get them off my lap."_

Sheldon just came home from a wonderful evening with his favorite celebrity that suddenly turned into a very disturbing night. He returned to his apartment after midnight, tired and desperate to go to bed. He never expected James Earl Jones to be – as Penny would say – party animal. The ice cream and karaoke was fun for the theoretical physicist, but then things got little tense. They were swinging meters from the ground in small basket, visiting strip club and, at the end of the day, sweaty sauna where microbes were almost dripping from the white walls.

He went to take a shower immediately. Those dirty places are surely going to give him nightmares. When he was leading to his room, he met Leonard returning to bed with a cup of tea.  
"What are you doing up so late?"  
"I was hanging out with the voice of Darth Vader." Sheldon smiled at his little friend.  
"Really? They drove you from the police station just few minutes ago?" Leonard was mocking him using sarcasm, but, as always, Sheldon didn´t notice.  
"No! I was actually spending my whole day with him. And I have even taken care of our Comic Con issue! I bet you didn´t got the ticket illegally, you are to chicken – like for that." Leonard quickly blinked during his honest comment. "James Earl Jones will take us to Comic Con with him! Imagine it, my little friend, we will experience the glory of biggest comic event with Star Wars legend!"  
"That´s great! I bet you had fun. Which places have you visited in order to convince him?"  
"Actually he offered it by himself, but before the Comic Con discussion, I have sung karaoke, shared ice cream and went to strip club for the first time in my life. That was the least enjoyable part of the night, if I do not count the visit of dirty public sauna." He shook up as if he was trying to get rid of some insect on his body.  
"What? You went to strip club?"  
"Yes and it was an experience I beg my eidetic mind to forget. Goodnight." He closed door behind him and left his shocked roommate in the hall alone.

In bedroom, he finally got a time to himself – for thinking of course. The shower seemed not enough for things he had to go through. His mind was still re-playing events at the strip club. He hated that place.

_Sweaty bodies, easy ladies and annoying music. Smell of alcohol, laugh of drunken men – all the things he was trying to avoid in his life. He was sitting on a padded chair next to his new friend James, who was completely ignoring him. The voice of Darth Vader had his eyes fixed on a stage with high pole and a young girl dressed only in tiny lingerie. Sheldon´s eyes were wandering around the place, avoiding almost naked females around him - until one of them stepped right in front of his view.  
"Not enjoying the show, boy?" she asked in seductive voice and put her hands on his knees. He sank deeper into the chair, trying to get out of her reach.  
"No, I´m not, thank you for asking." He answered and secretly hoped she´ll leave him alone. Strong perfume was bothering his nose olfactory cells and her black hair seemed so fake he would bet his doctorate on that the girl was wearing a wig. It looked cheap and lousy – just as the club.  
"Maybe I should put on a better show just for you boy." The girl smiled and dropped to her knees, her hands still on his legs. He began to feel really uncomfortable.  
"Sorry, I have to decline. And by the way, I am a man with a doctor title, so I would be grateful for some more respect." Sheldon quickly blinked, he was feeling a twitch in his eyelids. But the girl took his sentences wrong.  
"I see. You must work really hard as a doctor. Let me make you feel better." With that, she stood up and theoretical physicist felt relieved, assuming she was about to leave. Wrong. _

_The girl dropped her bottom right on his crotch. He squealed a little and started to panic. Someone was trying to touch him. Someone was violating his comfort zone. Someone other than his girlfriend was trying to touch him - in way mommies and daddies do.  
"What on earth are you doing?" his voice was a little pitchy. No surprise, the black-haired girl was scaring the crap out of him.  
"I am making you happy." She grinned and turned face – to face to him. Sheldon was tugging his head out of reach of her breath. The germs! The bacteria! Everywhere, all over his clothes and body!  
"This is certainly not lifting my mood. My girlfriend can do these things better than you." After the last sentence, he realized and revised his words and ended up covering his silly-speaking mouth with hands._

"Oh, you have a girlfriend." She laughed at his words.  
"Yes, I do. But I guess my sentence came out wrong, I meant to say that her knowledge contains a lot of informations about nervous system. She is also a doctor you know." He couldn´t help but smile proudly. "And that is the reason why she can feel me a lot of better, so I kind of misunderstanding what are you trying to pull here."  
"If you have a girlfriend, what are you doing at strip club? Good nerdy doctor like you enjoying yourself behind her back?"  
"I am definitely not enjoying myself - I think you can tell by my facial expression. My relationship is perfectly functioning."  
"Let me ask you again, why are you here then? Some girls would consider your behavior as cheating." She was still settled on his legs and gave up her fight for arousing him – even her strongest movements and proved tricks did not work on this man.  
"I came here with my new friend. He insisted a strip club visit. To be honest, I just want to get out of here." Sheldon shook uncomfortably in his seat again and turned his face to James Earl Jones sitting next to him, drinking some liquid from green glass. In desperate tone of voice, he spoke out his question. "How much does it cost to get them off my lap?" 

Now, when he was looking back on that situation, it was one of the worst experiences of his life. He hoped no one from university or his small group of friends saw him there, because he would surely be in trouble. He told Leonard, but his friend will know not to blabber about this embarrassing experience. What was bothering him the most? Not germs either ruined sleeping routine – the words black-haired stripper girl told him – about his behavior. Did he just really … cheat on Amy?


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe he did cheat on Amy. With two doctorates, you would assume that Sheldon Cooper will not take advice from a stripper. But now, he was seriously considering his late-night behavior and felt strange twitch in his chest. The truth is his relationship with is Amy is very unusual in today´s society, however that does not exempt him from being compared to behavior of other couples.

There were times in the past, when his own father went to such strange clubs and came home with a lipstick mark on his face. Sheldon´s mother was always angry because of it and his parents were screaming at each other. Tense atmosphere in the house led his father deeper to alcohol, his mother deeper to religion. As a young boy, he watched carefully his parent´s relationship to fell apart. And it was none of his concern to experience this with Amy. He is obligated to tell her the truth, right now. He put out his phone and taped a fast message for his girlfriend.

"_I propose unscheduled dinner meeting at your apartment. Please cancel whatever plans you have, I need to confess you something important. P.S. My apologies for bothering you so late, this just needs to be done. Goodnight, doctor Fowler. Best regards, Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper."_

He did not hesitate for a minute and send his text message. Wrapping blankets tightly around his body, he hoped tomorrow will everything go nicely. The last thing he wants to experience after such unhygienic night is potential girlfriend drama. But before he closed the baby-blue eyes, his phone buzzed with an incoming reply.

"_I confirm receiving the message and I am willing to miss tomorrow´s Girls Night with Penny, Bernadette and Rajesh. I´m curious about the confession you plan to make. See you at 07pm at my apartment. Goodnight, doctor Cooper."_

Seven o´clock, right on time, he was standing outside her apartment counting seconds to begin his knocking. Sheldon felt nervous again, replaying the confession over and over in his head. Carefully written on a paper he studied in Leonard´s car. His little experimental physicist friend was trying to convince him that his last night strip club behavior had nothing to do with cheating, but Sheldon did not believe him. What does that nerdy guy know about woman?

_*knock knock knock* "Amy."  
*knock knock knock* "Amy."  
*knock knock knock* "Amy."_

"Hello Sheldon. Come in." greeted by her smile his heart sank a little. He spent hours on the internet studying woman´s reactions to cheating confession. Screaming, crying or even diabolical revenge seemed like a commonplace. Hoping for the best, he believed that Amy will stick to her intellect and she´ll avoid these behaviors. First reason for him to hope was to get it over with fast, second that he never was comfortable seeing Amy shed tears.  
"Thank you." He entered her apartment and noticed food already prepared on the table. He smiled a little when noticing spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it.

"So what´s the important thing you have to tell me?" after supper they were sitting on the couch, in the background was heard the sound of television news. She poured herself a glass of wine and for him prepared herbal tea with honey. Sheldon took few deep breaths and laid his drink on the coffee table. Folding his hands on knees, he started talking.  
"I believe I have cheated on you." He watched her features froze up and his heart sank a little.  
"I require more information." Amy´s voice was calm and emotionless. She spoke to him like that when she was angry. Uh-oh.  
"Alright. Last night, me and my new friend James Earl Jones – the famous voice of the Darth Vader – attended strip club together." Her mouth opened a little in surprise. "And there was a scantily dressed female who tried to seduce me…" Amy now looked worried and, Sheldon would swear, ready to cry. "…so she sit on my lap and sort-of danced until I convinced her I have no interest in such hanky-panky, and I told her I have a girlfriend. Then she told me I have committed a betrayal towards my girlfriend – towards you." Sheldon fixed his eyes on the new pants he bought himself earlier today, because his yesterday pants were escorted to proper decontamination. He considered burning them, but it was hard to get a rid of his favorite clothing. "And, Amy, I am awfully sorry for that. I swear I was not intoxicated, so I was completely conscious and aware of the situation. I beg you to forgive me, hurting or cheating you was definitely not my intention, I just wanted to make impression on my famous friend. But, if you´ll insist termination of The Relationship Agreement, I have no reasonable objections. This is all my fault."

The room filled with heavy silence for few seconds. Sheldon almost felt his heart to jump out of its place, the pulsating blood in his head felt very uncomfortable. Then, there was a small chuckle that burst into loud, long laughter of his girlfriend. He dared to take a look at her and she was, literally, laughing her ass off in front of him.  
"I don´t understand." He felt confused. This was definitely not the reaction google taught him about. Amy was shedding tears, but these salty drops pop out your eyes when you are highly amused. Sheldon shifted uncomfortably in his seat and blinked few times. "You are not mad at me, or you are just mocking me?"  
"Oh my holy monkey, neither, Sheldon!" Amy tried her best to calm down and not scare away her virginal silly boyfriend. "How could you tell that it was cheating?"  
"The stripper told me. She seemed experienced in the business, so I wanted to apologize before Penny will blabber about it to you." He was sure Leonard will not be able to keep it for himself.  
"You, genius, took an advice from a hooker?"  
"Well, I got scared you´ll leave me. I swear, nothing happened, and the pants fabric is tortured now by chemical cleaning products." He explained and she couldn´t help but smile wider. She felt her heart make a little happy-dance. Her boyfriend cares about her so much!  
"I believe you, Sheldon." She nodded, accepting his apology and he rewarded her with rare Sheldon smile. A huge weight fell off his chest and he felt free to breathe again.

"Thank you."  
"But… I would like you to answer one question for me about your strip club visit." She noticed an opportunity to collect more data about his physical feelings for her.  
"Go on." He agreed, but gotten a little nervous again.  
"When the stripper was sitting almost naked on your lap, how did that make you feel?"  
"Uncomfortable. Dirty. Imagine on how many other men she had to sit before, and I seriously doubt their hygiene level was as high as mine is." Sheldon shook his head "Honestly, I don´t know why people attend clubs like that. It was just stupid unnecessary stranger-touching."  
"Well, most of the studies show that this experience – as called lap dance – is enjoyable for men." He stared at her for a second, than expressed his amusement with quick laugh.  
"What a huge nonsense. How could this even work?"  
"Maybe it works when male finds the female attractive enough to his liking, and then he gets aroused by her bottom touching his private parts, even if it´s through clothing." Amy offered her best explanation and had no idea what reaction it´ll have in her boyfriend´s brilliant mind.  
"Hmm, interesting. Can I as you something, out of scientific curiosity?"  
"Of course."  
"Can you do that?" his request let her open mouth in shock for the second time this evening.

"Can I do what?" Amy blinked few times, to assure herself she was not experiencing one of her many arousing dreams about Sheldon.  
"I propose an experiment. You will sit on my lap like that woman did, and we can find out if it works with female you are bonded to with The Relationship Agreement."  
"Aren´t you concerned about the cleanliness of my clothes?" from her almost-asexual boyfriend it was the least expected request.  
"When did you wash these?"  
"Saturday."  
"Excellent! Now, let´s do this." He spread his knees a little, moved to the middle of the couch and waited for her to fulfill the experiment.

Amy felt very nervous. She was the one demanding physical aspects in this relationship, but it never occurred to her how difficult it´ll be. Slowly and carefully, she landed on his lap. Her red face to his completely focused face. She placed her hands on his shoulders and waited…  
"I see." He looked deep into her eyes and made another command "Now, try to do what she did."  
"And that is…?" how can a neurobiologist know hooker´s behavior?  
"She kept moving her hips towards me and back. Do you want me to demonstrate the action?"  
"No, I think I can do this…" Amy took the exact dozen of deep breaths and started moving as he told her so. Once, twice… she rolled her hips on his lap and immediately felt something poking her inner thigh.

Sheldon´s body froze in shock. He was staring at her wide-eyed, while his girlfriend with flushed cheeks continued the movements. What was happening to him? To be exact, what was happening to his own _man_ area?  
"I have to go." His back straightened "The experiment is over, please get off me." He tried not to sound disturbed – which he definitely was – and when Amy released him, he ran towards the door.  
"Are you going home so soon?" she asked, still embarrassed about the thing she felt between his legs. She didn´t expected his reaction at all.  
"Yes. Thank you for wonderful evening. I just remembered I have some work to do. I´ll text you." Sheldon quickly grabbed his jacket and hurried towards stairs.  
"Don´t you want me to take you home?" she yelled her offer behind him.  
"No, thank, you, I´m going to take the bus!" and with that, his body left her apartment building.

Amy was not surprised her boyfriend chickened out. She was also shocked by the reaction of his body towards her. She cleaned after dinner and went to bed. Just when she was placing her glasses on the nightstand, a message buzzed on her phone.

"_I guess today´s experiment prove I find you attractive. To be honest, I´m not surprised – you are my girlfriend. But still, I find it fascinating. Goodnight, doctor Fowler."_

"Goodnight, doctor Cooper." She spoke out and wrote her reply. Then, with a smile imprinted on her face cuddled a small pillow and happily went to sleep. Future obviously holds great things for Pasadena´s favorite power couple!


End file.
